


Tell Me A Lie

by Soullesscreature



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Cutting, Depressed Harry Styles, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Larry Stylinson Is Real, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Harming Harry, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-28
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:54:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22451449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Soullesscreature/pseuds/Soullesscreature
Summary: Harry used to self-harm, but he promised himself that if he won the x factor, he would stop. They didn't win, but they got a contract, they became famous and Harry is living the dream and he should be one of the happiest people on earth.But it's pretty hard to be happy when your crush/best mate is ignoring you. Harry has been slowly buckling under the pressure that's being pushed onto him and now all he can think about is the many razors that are practically calling him from the bathroom.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Niall Horan & Zayn Malik & Liam Payne & Harry Styles & Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 13
Kudos: 196





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warning: self-harm
> 
> Please keep in mind that english isn't my first language, so I'm sorry for any mistakes.

Harry Styles from Holmes Chapel had always been a little weak. That harry would often cry himself to sleep as the taunting words of bullies flew around in his damaged mind. That Harry was depressed and spent his evenings on the cold bathroom floor with a blade in his hand as his only form of company, with only the distraction of blood to keep him from tearing apart at the seams.  
Harry Styles from One Direction is a whole other person. He is strong and funny and loved. That Harry never cries himself to sleep, that Harry is happy and has only a few scars on his wrist to remind him of a dark past. 

Harry Styles from One Direction is the person he is around his boys, his fans and anywhere near a camera. Harry Styles from Holmes Chapel is only allowed to come out when he’s all alone with no one around to witness the broken and weak side of him. He doesn’t like to let that side of him show around others. Not even his boys. But of course the boys saw it once or twice – they lived together a lot of the time, so obviously he couldn’t hide himself away completely. 

Of course he is allowed to cry in front of a camera. Of course he can show a vulnerable side of himself. Just not everything. it was okay when he saw the dying children with malaria. And even though he would’ve rather avoided it, it was okay when he sat in that interview and talked about the endless hate that tore at his heart. Some vulnerability is okay – it just depends on which of his vulnerabilities that’s showing. He doesn’t want anyone to know about the weak side of him. He’s famous now, he’s supposed to be strong for his fans. He’s supposed to be the one helping them through tough times, but sometimes he feels like a hypocrite because he tells his fans that tearing your own skin open – or any form of self-harm, really – is bad, not the right solution when he used to do the exact same.  
What wouldn’t they think if they knew that? How pathetic wouldn’t they think he was if they knew about the white scars on his wrists? What wouldn’t the boys think?

The stress that is being put on him – on all the boys, really – is getting too much. He’s suffocating and his knees are giving in from all the pressure on his shoulders. They’re all being pushed too hard and Harry guesses it was just a matter of time before the urges would come back. Because who is he kidding? Just because he’s a new person with a new life, just because his life is so much better and because he’s famous doesn’t mean everything will suddenly disappear. It doesn’t mean that the part of his that used to paint his own skin in blood and pink lines doesn’t exist anymore. He is right there inside of him, and he’s pushing to get out as Harry lays awake in the middle of the night with a restless mind. 

He strategically waits until night where it would go unnoticed that he goes into the bathroom and stays there for an hour or so. Because he often loses sense of time when he does what his mind begs him to, what his hands itch to do. He can’t sleep. he’s been awake for hours, just staring at his ceiling without rest. It’s not good, because staring into the empty darkness with no sound gives his mind time to wander and that’s never good. Normally, he would try to distract himself with literally anything, but right now he’s too tired to even try to fight it. He’s so tired of trying. One time won’t hurt, right?

All he wants right now is either Louis or a blade, and he can’t get Louis because he’s been ignoring him lately. He’s been pulling away from him, and Harry wonders if the Larry Stylinson rumors finally got to him. Or maybe he found out about Harry’s crush on him and is disgusted. Or, maybe, he just doesn’t like Harry anymore, maybe he’s gotten tired of him, and Harry kind of understands that too, because he would’ve gotten tired of himself too. All he really knows for sure is that Louis is slowly pulling further and further away from him and it breaks his heart more and more every second.  
He had promised himself to stay strong, that if he won x factor – he didn’t win, but he might as well have – he would stop self-harming. And he did. He’s famous now and has been clean ever since they signed the contract. That’s huge, because that’s a long time. He’s surprised at how he’s managed to stay this long without a relapse. But even though he hid those bracelets away long ago and despite how long he had been clean for now, he isn’t sure how much longer he can last. 

He is done, right now. Done with everything. His mind won’t stop bugging him and even though he knows the utter regret that comes tomorrow will be almost unbearable, the urge is so strong. His hands are twitching, as if begging for something to grasp. As if he just needs to hold that tiny piece of metal between his fingers. 

The worst thing is, he doesn’t even know exactly what triggered it. it can have been Louis and his ‘girlfriend’ – she wasn’t really his girlfriend, but simply a beard so people would stop with the Larry Stylinson rumors – or it could just be louis in general. But somehow it feels like it isn’t just that. it can also be the stress. They’re on tour, the adrenaline is constantly high, he gets no sleep and he’s working himself to death. But somehow it feels like it isn’t just that. it can also be that he’s constantly being watched that he isn’t allowed to have a bad day or two, because the public is only allowed to see the good parts. His fans can’t see him sad like this. It’s okay that the boys sees that he has depressed days once in a while, but the fans, they just couldn’t – god forbid, actually. But he’s constantly being watched. There is constantly a camera showed in his face or an interviewer asking intruding questions or a watchful eye on the street. but he doesn’t get a break. Life is moving too fast for him to follow. There’s always a signing, a rehearsal, an interview, a concert to go to or a song they have to write. He’s always on the move and he never has time to just slow down and forget for a while. He feels like there’s no time to just slow down and really let it sink in that his dream has become a reality. 

And he hates himself for complaining so much, because he really shouldn’t. His life is great, fantastic, even. His dream has come true, he’s famous and loved by thousands (sure, he’s called a man-whore and womanizer all the time, but he knows it’s not true, some of his fans knew it’s not true, his family and friends knows it’s not true). He has all the money he could’ve only ever dreamt of as a child. He has everything he’s ever wanted, so why isn’t he happy? He just doesn’t know. he doesn’t know much anymore.

Maybe he just stayed strong for too long. Maybe he hid from himself for too long and the glass of withheld emotions that was only filled with a few drops before has just been filling and filling as time has gone. Small droplets of water has just kept falling into that little glass and now it’s full and water is almost spilling over the edge. He feels like all it takes now is a single drop and then the water will start to spill over and fill his lungs until he can’t breathe. 

And… Drop. 

Before he knows it, he’s sitting on the cold floor of the bathroom. he doesn’t remember the walk here, doesn’t remember anything about destroying the razor he uses to shave – but it’s in pieces beside him on the floor, so he must’ve done it at some point – he doesn’t even remember dragging it across his skin. All he knows right now is that there’s already a line on his arm, slowly bubbling up with an angry red. his eyes catch the other white, faded lines and he wonders how the boys haven’t noticed. 

probably because they don’t care, is what his mind tells him, but the rational part of his brain knows that isn’t true – but it’s not exactly the rational part he’s thinking with at the moment. he lets the edge of the sharp blade touch his skin, and he digs it in a little deeper this time as he drags it over milky white, though not too deep because he knows it’s not smart to jump right into it again after so long unless he want to risk bleeding out. And he really doesn’t want to. The purpose isn’t to die, it’s just to breathe for a few seconds. He needs to get to know the blade his hand again before going back to where he ended. He knows he shouldn’t do this at all, knows that he should just put the blade back and forget this ever happened.

But he slices his skin one more time, watches at the line slowly bubbles up with blood until there’s a whole line with red that slowly slides down and hits the floor and times stands still. it stands still. he’s not famous, he’s not Harry Styles from One Direction. He’s just Harry Styles. And he breathes. 

He knows there’s no turning back now. 

***

“Fuck,” he curses when he wakes up in bed the next morning. He immediately looks down at his wrist, desperately needing it all to be some cruel dream, hoping that there will be nothing but smooth milky skin when he raises his sleeve. But of course that’s not what happens. Instead, he finds five lines running across old white scars, and just like he predicted the night before, the guilt and regret comes washing over him like a tidal wave. 

He feels even more guilty when he finds he actually kinda missed having those pink lines there, in a way. The way they run across his wrists and paints his skin. It’s sick and unhealthy and there must be something wrong with him, but he missed it.

He startles when there’s a knock on his door. he barely has time to hide his wrist under the duvet when the door opens, and Liam stands there. The light streams in from the hallway, lighting Liam up from the back as if he was an angel, and god Harry really is going insane. 

“Hi, H. just came to check if you were awake.”

Harry uses his good arm to rub the sleep from his eyes. he clears his throat before speaking, but it’s scratchy anyway. “Yeah I’m – I’m awake –“ he yawns “ – what’s up?”  
“We have an interview today, remember? You have to be ready in thirty.”

“Right.” Harry had completely forgotten about that. “Be out in a second.” Liam nods and walks back out the door. Harry waits until he hears Liam’s footsteps disappear down the hall before he gets dressed. He wears long sleeves and puts on the bracelets he hasn’t worn since x factor, trying to suppress the bad memories trying to resurface. 

The smell of bacon and eggs are like a smack to his face when he walks out of his door. normally he would run to make sure he could get something before everything is gone, but he’d woken up with a feeling of nausea today, and even the thought of food doesn’t really sit well with his unsettled stomach. He kind of hopes that there’s no more food left when he gets there, but there is, so there’s really no good excuse for not eating. He knows he has to, because he can’t get through the day otherwise. He practically forces a little bit of food down his throat. 

The morning goes by in a rush and the interview ends up being more tiring that it probably should be. Harry uses all his energy for fake laughs and a constant smile. and then the lady that interviews them starts lightly flirting with him and he just has to take it. he doesn’t really have a choice. But that’s not even the worst part. The worst is when they boys are asked about their relationships. Zayn and Liam talk about their girlfriends, Niall is asked if he’s found someone, but what really bothers him is when Louis starts talking about Eleanor and their ‘oh so perfect and totally real relationship’. 

It hurts. It hurts more than Harry likes to admit. Because even though it’s a fake relationship, even though he knows louis doesn’t even love Eleanor that way, he still wants to be in her place. He and louis are nothing but mates and he hates it, but he guesses he’ll just have to take what he gets. As long as louis is in his life, it’ll be okay, right? Even if he doesn’t get to kiss him, like he wants to.

The relationship had been created because of the surfacing Larry Stylinson rumors. Their management didn’t particularly like that there was rumors about a gay relationship in the boy band. Said it made the boys unavailable to the young teenage girls that followed them. Which didn’t really make sense at all, because being in a relationship with Eleanor Calder made him unavailable as well. But what could he do?

When the interviewer asks him, he has to clear his throat before talking. Afraid that he will sound as choked up as he feels. God, he really needs to get himself together, this is not okay. He is supposed to act like everything is top notch whenever a camera or witness is around. He’s such a failure, what is he doing? Louis will never be his in that way, so why is he even thinking about it? He should’ve gotten over it by now, but it isn’t really making it easier when he basically lives with him, being on tour and all. And also, the band being very affectionate with each other doesn’t help very much either. Before Louis started ignoring him, it was like they were always touching, and it isn’t that it made his heart race or something like that that bothers him. It’s that he liked it so much better with louis than the other boys. It’s that it made him feel so warm and safe on the inside and that it made him just wanna curl up in his arms in a way that he doesn’t with the others. And now he misses it, so much. 

He has to put his hands under his thighs to make sure he doesn’t accidentally start itching the fresh cuts on his wrists. He almost can’t believe how easy it is to fall into the old habit again. he’d cut less than 24 hours ago, and he already needs it so bad that his hands has started twitching. He hates how fast it took him to get addicted again. he hates that as soon as he gets sad that’s the first thing on his mind. 

He's lucky that when they get home, he doesn’t have a chance to even be alone. He doesn’t want to think about what would’ve happened if the boys hadn’t suggested resting for the rest of the day because they have a concert that night. They all curl up on the couch and watch a movie. But the thing is… he wants to sit next to louis. His sweet, perfect louis even though he can never be with him. He just needs the good old days back. The days from the start of everything, where Harry would lay on his shoulder and louis would smile down at him, maybe even caress his curls.

But that obviously doesn’t happen. No, what happens is that louis sits down at the opposite end of the couch without sparing Harry a single glance. 

***

It’s very hard to hold back tears when he has to watch the new pictures of louis and Eleanor pop up on his twitter feed. It’s everywhere. Pictures of them smiling, laughing. But the worst one is a picture of him kissing her cheek. It seems sweet and loving and no matter how much Harry hates it, he can’t deny that he craves that kind of attention from Louis. Even though the relationship is merely a simple coverup, it still makes tears well up in the young boy’s eyes. what only makes it worse is that louis is ignoring him. louis hates him, probably. Why else would he ignore him?

And not only that, but he stumbled upon a few tweets sharing their concern for Harry wearing his bracelets again. It’s very few, but even just one suspecting person is too much. There’s of course some people who thinks they’re overreacting. Nothing’s wrong, it’s just bracelets, you’re making a big deal out of nothing. If only they knew.

The cherry on top was finding a hate comment talking about how his voice had cracked during their last concert. He had failed. He’s a failure. He can’t stop himself from pressing on the hashtag, finding a lot more hate comments. He knows he shouldn’t, knows it’s a dumb idea, but they tell him everything he already knows and more. He isn’t good enough to be in the band. His voice is awful. He’s unprofessional. And how can anyone like him? he’s annoying and ugly and he’s gained weight. He has a big nose. 

When he reads the nose comment, he gingerly touches it to find that, yeah, it does feel very big. That’s one of the things he hasn’t thought of before, but he’s now fully conscious of the way it shoots out from his head as if he’s a real life Pinocchio. Well, it would be suiting. He sure does lie a lot. I’m fine, is for example a lie that slips past his lips way too easily. 

And fuck, now he’s sad again. because of course Louis doesn’t want someone like him. he’s disgusting and he hates himself. He’s depressing and boring and definitely not good company. Of course Louis ignores him. 

He looks around the room. luckily none of them is paying him any attention right now. But his breathing is quickening, and tears sting his eyes. it takes everything in him not to break down in front of the boys. He gets up from his seat and hurries into his bedroom where he sits on his bed, trying to regain control over his lungs. It doesn’t work, and he’s about to bolt to the bathroom where he knows he can pull out his blade and feel okay again, if only for a little while. But there’s a sudden knock on his door and, fuck, maybe he had been too obvious when he left the room in a haste. 

He slowly gets up from the bed and goes to open the door. he’s surprised to see Zayn there, the boy looking him over for a moment with a worried frown that makes Harry shrink a little. “You okay?”  
Harry wonders why Zayn was the one to come after him, but he’s glad he did. Zayn is the kind of person who just offers comfort when you’re sad. He rarely asks and lets you speak first if there’s something you feel like you need to get off your chest. It’s like Zayn thinks that if the boys wants to talk, they’ll talk. And if they don’t, he’ll just be there to offer warmth and comfort. And Harry loves it. he loves it because where the other boys can at times be pushy, Zayn is just there. 

Harry plasters an uneasy smile on his face. “Yeah, I’m fine.” Zayn raises an eyebrow and Harry knows he doesn’t believe him. He sighs. “I’m fine, Zayn. Really. I’m just… Exhausted.”

Zayn’s face softens immediatley. They’re all exhausted. Management is pushing them too hard and they all feel it. before Harry knows it, warmth envelopes him as he’s pulled into Zayn’s arms. There’s a kiss to his forehead, along with comforting whispers of, “I know. but we’ll get a day off soon, okay?”

Harry just nods into his chest. He hadn’t known just how much he actually has been needing the warmth of another person lately. He kind of started pulling away after Louis started ignoring him. he’s just felt too annoying and like a waste of space. When Zayn moves to pull away, Harry just tightens his arms around him before he has the time to really think it through. He just desperately needs Zayn to stay. He’s trying to soak up all the warmth he can. He’s scared that if Zayn pulls away right now, he might fall apart, and it seems like Zayn knows because he returns the embrace just as tightly, telling Harry that everything is going to be okay and that the boys are there if he needs to talk to them. 

It’s like the boys forgets that Harry is the youngest of them all sometimes, but it really does show in the stressful times. those are the times where Harry will be pressed in the middle of their group hugs or cuddles. Where the boys will give him extra hugs and offer him tea. Harry doesn’t say it, but in those times, he really does need the extra attention. And he kinda hates that because it makes him such an attention whore. Especially because the other boys has got it rough too. They also need it, and they also miss their families. Just because he’s the youngest doesn’t mean anything. He both hates and loves it at the same time. 

“The boys are talking about going out for a drink,” Zayn mumbles into his hair. “Wanna come with?”

He shakes his head and pulls away. “No, I’m just… I think I wanna be alone for a bit,” he says honestly. He knows Zayn will see right through him if he lies, and that would worry the boy more. Zayn’s eyes roam his face, as if they’re searching for something. But Harry doesn’t know why. all he knows is that it makes him feel naked and vulnerable, so he smiles and opens the door for him. “I’ll be fine, now bugger off.”

“Okay, but text us if you need anything, yeah?” Zayn says with a sigh. 

Harry nods and as the other boy reluctantly walks out the door, Harry calls out a, “have fun!” before closing the door. and then he’s alone. he doesn’t know whether he likes that or not, but the urge is really strong right now. It feels like his whole body is in stress mode and the fresh memories of louis and Eleanor doesn’t help at all. His hands are itching for the blade that’s hidden in his phone case. He waits a few minutes before going to the bathroom, just so he’s sure the boys aren’t gonna come back unexpected because they’ve forgotten something. He practically runs to the bathroom when he figures it’s been long enough, not bothering to lock the door since the boys aren’t home anyway. 

He immediatley takes out the small blade. He ends up staring at it for a while. Its normal for him, in this situation, to lose track of time. And he likes it. sometimes it seems like this is the only way for him to just relax and zone out and it feels so good to be at peace and just be unaware for a little while. He hasn’t been relaxed enough to zone out in a long time. 

He breathes out slowly as he drags the blade across his skin, above the other healing scars. This has never really been about pain for him. It’s about waiting and watching as the blood slowly appears and starts to flood over a little white line. It’s about watching small drops slowly start to cover his skin. it’s always just been a distraction. It’s about getting out of his head and to clear his mind in one of the dumbest and most unhealthy of ways. 

The only reason this is what he resorts to when something’s wrong in his life, is because of that little fourteen year old boy who just wanted to feel alright. If he could go back in time and tell that boy that he should do something else – go to his big sister or his parents for comfort, ask if they could watch a movie. Anything to make himself feel less alone, then he would. He would go back and stop that little boy from making one of the biggest mistakes of his life. because do it once, and you will never, ever be the completely same.

He startles when there’s a sudden knock on the door, heart rate speeding up as his eyes widens. He sits in shock for a few seconds, because maybe it’s just his imagination? He hopes so, because the boys aren’t supposed to be back yet. He’s not sure how long it’s been, but he knows it’s not that long. 

“Harry?” he stiffens further at the sound of louis voice. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Out of everyone in the band, why did it have to be louis? That boy is so good at reading him, maybe even the best out of the boys. But would louis even care? Again, he’s been ignoring him lately and that hurts. God, it hurts. Louis hates him and he knows it. He wants to drag the blade over his skin again, so even though he should already be cleaning up, he decides just one more won’t hurt before he starts doing just that. “Harry are you okay in there?”

“Y-yeah, fine. I’m fine.” He curses himself for the crack in his voice. He panics when he sees the doorknob start to turn, crying out, “no! No, don’t come in here.”

Louis immediatley pauses his movements and there’s a few beats of silence that only increases Harry’s worry. He’s too frozen in fear to even make his legs move him from the floor. “What are you doing in there?” Louis asks. 

“Um, I uh… –“

“Tell me what you’re doing in there or I’m coming in, Harry. You’re worrying me.”

Fuck. He rises from his spot on the ground, growing dizzy with the fast movement. “No, I already told you, don’t come in.” When he finally remembers he can just lock the door – even though that’ll probably make louis more suspicious, but he doesn’t really care – he runs for the door, only to slip in some blood that’s ended up on the floor. he falls straight on his bum with a yelp. 

“That’s enough. I’m coming in.” Before Harry can even react, louis bursts through the door. A surge of rage goes rushes through Harry’s body as he desperately tries to cover up his arms. Louis isn’t supposed to be here, he’s not supposed to be back yet. Everything was going fine and then fucking louis decides to come home early. 

“What the fuck, Louis, I told you not to come in!” he yells. Louis mouth is agape, eyes unblinking. He doesn’t seem the least bit phased by Harry’s outburst as he steps forward, but as soon as he reaches for Harry, the younger boy flinches away. “No, don’t touch me! leave me the fuck alone, louis.”

“No.”

“No?” Harry looks at him in disbelief, eyebrows raising. The first thing louis says and its ‘no’? he just wants to be left alone and forget this ever happened, why can’t the idiot just understand that? but at the same time, the thing he really wants is for louis to hold him, but louis hates him. he’s been ignoring him. he doesn’t care, so everything he’ll be doing will be out of pity and harry doesn’t want that kind of pity. His anger only increases by the second. “Really? Fuck you, louis.”

“Wow,” louis scoffs. “You know, I would be mad if I didn’t know you’re just lashing out.”

“I have a right to be mad,” Harry stubbornly says with a pout on his bitten lips. 

Louis puts his hands on his waist, looking down at the younger boy with scrutinizing eyes. “Why, because I burst in here or because I caught you doing something you know you shouldn’t do?” if it hadn’t been for the obvious worry on his face, he would’ve seemed angry. But from the lack of movement of Louis shoulders, it seems like he isn’t even breathing. 

“Why are you even here, Louis?” He sighs, changing the subject. He tries to stand up, but his legs wobble underneath him. louis reaches out to try and help him, but Harry immediatley swats his hands away with a glare. He can stand up on his own, thank you very much. He isn’t a toddler. 

Louis rolls his eyes but takes a step back. “What do you mean?”

Now it was Harry’s turn to roll his eyes. he really just wants this to be over. He’s using every ounce of energy he has, trying to keep his emotions in check and its starting to get really tiring. “I know you’d rather be with the boys or Eleanor right now, so why don’t you just leave and forget this ever happened, yeah?” he says bitterly. “I’ve got this under control.”

“Obviously not,” Louis eyes the blood all over Harry’s wrist, the blood on the floor. his eyes follows Harry’s movements as he uses the sink to support himself, gently laying the blade on the counter as if it’s the most precious thing in the world. Louis tries to reach out for Harry again, but he only swats him away just like the last time. “For gods sake Harry stop fighting me and let me clean your goddammed arm!”

Harry’s eyes snap up to his. His normally green and vibrant eyes are dull and tired. And only now, on a day where they haven’t had anything on their schedule that required a makeup-team, does Louis see the deep purple bags under Harry’s eyes. How long had they been there? Harry’s eyes moves to louis outstretched hand and finally gives in, letting him clean his wounds. 

It’s done in silence, and Harry goes straight back to avoiding eye contact, especially when it seems like louis is deliberately trying to catch his gaze again. but harry just doesn’t think he can handle looking at him right now. He feels way too vulnerable already. He can practically feel Louis stare on his cuts, and he feels way too exposed and embarrassed as louis’ gentle fingers wraps a bandage around his arm. 

Louis is the one to break the silence. “Where are your blades?” Harry’s eyes widen and he shakes his head. no, Louis can’t take them away. he needs them. he can’t just take them. “Harry.”

He clenches his eyes shut. Because he knows its not right. He knows he shouldn’t cut and he knows that he’s fucked up, but he doesn’t know how to fix it. He holds his breath for a few seconds. No, maybe this will make it better, maybe after the blades are gone, he can go back to normal. So when he lets his breath out again, its with the word, “Deodorant.”

Louis frowns but goes to Harry’s shelf. Harry’s eyes are still shut, but he can hear Louis move stuff around. He can hear the familiar sound of his deodorant be lifted and he knows louis found the blade when he gasps, and the sound of the deodorant being set back down reaches his ears. When he opens his eyes, its to louis grabbing the one on the counter as well, and then he throws them both in the trash, along with the other boy’s razors. He’ll deal with it later. Right now, he was just focused on removing anything and everything that could be used to hurt his bandmate. 

“Are there more?” Harry shakes his head at the question. Louis nods, and as he starts cleaning the blood from the floor. Harry simply focuses his gaze on his feet, crossing his arms over his chest like a protective barrier. 

Louis’ feet with two different pairs of socks enters his vision, but Harry doesn’t move his gaze, too afraid to find out what kind of expression louis wears. He’s surprised when two small hands cups his cheeks. “Harry?” the boy shakes his head, clenching his eyes shut again. he wont cry. he refuses. “Harry, please look at me?”

Louis voice is so soft, and how can Harry deny him then? There are tears in Louis eyes, but Harry thinks that it can’t possibly be because of him. because Louis doesn’t care. He keeps repeating it in his head, because he can’t let himself hope. That’ll just backfire when he goes back to ignoring him. 

It’s so unfair. It’s unfair that he was caught at all, he was planning on stopping. He can stop on his own, he doesn’t need help. But why is it that louis of all people was the one to find him? why couldn’t it be literally anyone but the boy who had a part in his sadness?

“You weren’t supposed to be back yet.” Harry’s whisper is so quiet, and he hopes Louis doesn’t hear. 

“I was worried, so I left the boys. And with good reason I see.” Louis sighs, staring at Harry’s crossed arms as if he can see the cuts through the bandage. “I knew something was wrong when you started wearing those bloody bracelets again.”

That takes Harry by surprise. He finally looks up, green and blue meeting. Harry doesn’t understand. Wow, louis really doesn’t care about him. if he did, he would’ve said something, right? “But – but you…”

“I didn’t wanna say anything yet. I wasn’t sure and I wanted to wait for the right time to question you.” He bites his lip. “Seems like I shouldn’t have waited.”

Or did he? Did he care? Has it just been Harry’s sick mind playing tricks on him again? but no, louis can’t care, because he’s been ignoring him. but louis looks so sad right now. His eyes are filled with tears and his lower lip wobbles and he looks like he could break any second now. But louis noticed? did the others notice as well?

Before he knows it, he’s pulled into louis’ arms. Harry stands still and doesn’t dare do anything but put his head in the crook of louis neck. He’s afraid that if he hugs him back, he’ll fall apart. Even just this makes Harry want to cry, because louis hugs him so tightly as if he’s afraid Harry will disappear in his arms and it makes him feel so safe and loved and he just wants to curl into the hug, into louis, but he can’t because that’s what brought him here in the first place. He keeps letting himself fall deeper and deeper for someone he can never have. 

“You weren’t supposed to be back yet,” Harry brokenly whispers again, his voice a pitch higher than normal. He’s biting his lip so hard he can taste blood, just so he can distract himself from crying. And suddenly the guilt starts to set in. He hasn’t exactly been fair to Louis. He was right when he said he was just lashing out and now he feels really, really bad for it. because his stupidity is not Louis fault. Sure, louis shouldn’t have just burst into the bathroom, but he had a valid reason. He was worried, and with good reason, like he said. “Sorry for lashing out.”

Harry doesn’t quite know whether he’s disappointed or relieved for being caught. 

“’s alright, Haz.” louis says and caresses Harrys curls. He doesn’t know if he just imagines the kiss placed on the top of his head before louis pulls away. “C’mon,” he sighs and takes ahold of Harry’s arm. He slowly drags him to his bedroom, the boy looking like a walking zombie, the only thing pulling him forward being louis. Harry watches, face void of emotion as Louis sits down against the end of the bed, dragging Harry to sit between his legs. Harry’s shoulders are tense and his whole body stiff as louis wraps his arms around his torso, hugging him tightly to his chest. 

It surprises louis when Harry slumps against him, completely relaxed as soon as he starts running his hands through the younger boy’s hair. Harry turns the slightest bit, allowing his head to rest in the crook of louis’ neck. Louis himself has to fight not to cry, feeling a few drops of Harry’s tears stain his white t-shirt as the boy finally gives in. it doesn’t take long for Harry to start sobbing his heart out, grabbing onto louis, curling his firsts in his t-shirt as if it’s the only thing keeping him grounded. And god, it hurts to see harry like this. He seems so vulnerable and torn and for every broken sound that leaves the lad’s bitten lips, louis heart breaks a little more. If he lets a few tears slip, no one needs to know.

Louis sits patiently, gently stroking through the boy’s soft curls as it seems to relax him. he can feel harry get heavier and heavier on his chest, can feel the way Harry’s sobs became quieter and how his breathing slows a little. louis starts whispering little encouragements in the smaller boy’s ear, trying to calm him. “Shh, it’s alright. You’re alright.”

“S-sorry,” Harry whispers and Louis shakes his head. 

“You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for, love.” The nickname slips past his lips so easily, but he can’t find it in himself to care at this moment. all that matters is Harry’s wellbeing.  
“I feel bad,” he sniffles, curling further into louis. 

Louis cups Harry’s cheeks in his hands, moving his head so he can look into Harry’s eyes. “What is going on, Harry?” Maybe it’s not the best question to ask right now, but he doesn’t know what else to say and he wants to see what the boy would respond. he wants to know for exactly how long this precious boy has been lying. And if he’s right, it’s for quite a while, because every time anyone has asked him something along the lines of ‘how are you’ ‘are you okay’ ‘is something wrong’, he would smile and say something about being fine. Fine. He uses that word a lot, Louis realizes. And he uses it now, too.  
“Nothing, Louis, okay? I’m – I’m fine.”

Louis wants to burst into tears right then and there, and he has to bite his lip to stop its relentless trembling. “Less than ten minutes ago I found you on the bathroom floor with a blade in your hand. I had to clean the blood from the floor and your arms, harry. Then doesn’t seem like fine to me. Please.”

Harry pulls his sleeve over his hands and wipes his eyes that are starting to fill with tears again. “I just – I can’t,” his voice cracks. “it’s not that I don’t want to, Lou. I just –” Harry sucks in a stuttering breath. Fuck, why is this so hard? “The truth is just – it’s too hard. I just can’t.”

Louis thinks for a moment. he tries to figure out some way to make Harry open up to him. he just wants to make him feel better, wants him to be happy. He wants to see Harry’s eyes shine again. he wants to hear Harry’s laughter – the real one and not just the fake one he’s heard for who knows how long. It’s then that an idea pops into his mind. “Tell me a lie, then.”

Harry’s brows furrows in confusion. “What?”

“Tell me a lie.”

“you... want me to lie to you?” Harry speaks slowly, his confusion growing with every word. 

“if… if telling the truth is too hard for you, then lie to me. tell me the opposite of what you actually think.”

“isn’t that a bit ridiculous?”

Louis recons maybe it is. But he doesn’t really care. Telling someone to lie to you is a little weird yes. But he would do absolutely everything in the world for the boy in his arms. He’s willing to try anything, because seeing him hurting just isn’t an option. He shrugs, “maybe it is, but maybe it’ll be easier for you. Just try it, please?”

“Fine,” Harry sighs. It’s too hard to resist with the way the older boy’s lip still wobbles slightly, his eyes tired and sad. Harry just wants to kiss that stupid frown off his face. he doesn’t deserve to be fussed over. It isn’t fair to louis that he has to worry about him. harry turns back around, his head resting back against louis’ chest. He can’t look him in the eye right now. “um… I’m happy all the time,” is what he starts with. It’s probably the easiest. His heart starts beating a little faster and the words are toppling out of his mouth before he knows it. He feels like an aquarium whose glass has been cracked and now water is bursting out through little holes that slowly forms from that little teeny tiny crack, spilling, spilling, spilling until everything is flooding with water. “I’m always fine, and I don’t hate myself for relapsing after being clean for over a year. None of the hate I get hurts me, I’m not stressed, management isn’t pushing me over the edge, and the fact that my dream wasn’t everything I hoped it would be isn’t bothering me at all. It doesn’t bother me that I don’t feel like I can completely be myself, it doesn’t bother me that I’m constantly paranoid and afraid of doing something wrong because there’s cameras everywhere. I don’t think you hate me at all and seeing you with Eleanor doesn’t break my heart.”

He doesn’t realize he said the last thing until he hears the sharp intake of breath behind him. shit, he thinks and tries to break out of louis arms, but the older boy only tightens his hold around him, pulling him closer to his chest. Harry figures there’s no reason to try to fight now, he might as well wait and hear what louis has to say. even if it hurts.

To his surprise, louis doesn’t mention it. louis moves his hand back to Harry’s hair, trying to get him to relax again, and it works. Harry both loves and hates that louis has that effect on him. “Anything else?” Louis asks. 

Harry sighs and looks down in his lap. “I’m pretty and extremely good at singing.” It feels weird to say it, because it sounds like he’s complimenting himself when in reality its self-loathing disguised as  
self-love. “I’m skinny and perfect and –“

“I thought I told you to tell me lies?”

Harry hesitates. He stills, frown deepening. “That’s what I’m doing?”

“Yeah?” louis heart breaks a little and he hugs the boy between his legs a little tighter against him. “I just heard you call yourself pretty, skinny, perfect and good at singing. I don’t see the lie in that.”  
Harry sighs deeply, because louis doesn’t understand. Louis is just trying to be nice, now louis is the one lying. “Lou –“ he’s about to say something, protest. But he freezes completely when a kiss is placed on the top of his head. 

“Your curls are so soft. They’re always so fluffy and pretty,” louis whispers, as if it’s a secret just between the two of them. Harry feels heat rising to his cheeks where another kiss is placed. “You’re so, so beautiful. gorgeous. Pretty sure you’re the closest thing I’ll ever get to seeing an angel.” Louis leans down, pressing a kiss to Harry’s neck, right beside his Adams apple, and almost by instinct, Harry exposes his neck more for louis as he swallows embarrassingly loud. he can feel louis smile at it into his neck, but Harry’s so dazed and captured by the intimacy in the moment that he can’t even find it in himself to care. Harry doesn’t know if he’s just imagining it or if he actually can feel louis heartbeat speed up from where he’s pressed against him. “Your voice, god it’s amazing. It’s the kind of sound I recon you hear when you step into heaven. So calming and sweet and beautiful. gives me goosebumps.” Louis hand slowly trails down, under Harry’s shirt. Harry’s head falls farther against louis’ shoulder and his breathing speeds up. It takes everything in him not to pop a boner right now. And he thinks louis, that little bastard, knows exactly what he’s doing to him. louis rubs a thumb over his stomach.  
“Your tummy. So perfect. Not really any abs, not completely flat, but organs do exist, ya know,” – he laughs when harry huffs – “But it’s perfect. you’re so perfect, love.”

Harry shakes his head, and louis frowns. “yes you are. You’re perfect to me,” he suddenly starts singing, and harry can’t hold back a tiny giggle. His laugher dies only a few seconds later. 

“My eyes are ugly,” he says. 

“Ugly?” louis asks disbelievingly. “Darling your eyes are the most beautiful I’ve ever seen. So green and vibrant.”

“They’re boring.”

“have you ever seen your eyes in the sunlight harry?” Louis suddenly asks. Its rhetorical, of course – because you can’t see your own eyes in the sun… well, unless you study them in a mirror outside – but harry shakes his head anyway. “They’re amazing. When the sunlight hits them just right, they’re so, so bright and breathtaking. So, so pretty and green. I’d pick looking at your eyes over looking at the sunset any day. I would say something cliché like they remind me of the grass or the leaves, but if I’m being honest, there’s not really anything I can compare them to. Because they’re so beautiful, just like the rest of you.” Louis kisses him right next to the corner of his eye, and harry can’t help but let them close, melting right then and there. 

“My nose is too big,” Harry says and turns his head to look at louis, only to realize that the older boy is already looking at him. Right now he’s too caught in the moment to stop his words and insecurities to slip out of his mouth. Right now, all he wants to do is let louis continue to kiss his bad thoughts away. he kind of thinks louis has caught up on that. 

“Your nose?” louis raises an eyebrow. Louis smiles as he leans in, placing a kiss to the tip of his nose. And harry realizes that for once he wants to be selfish and just take in everything louis is giving him at the moment. for once he’ll try to stop the protests from falling from his lips and just… let louis take care of him. “Just as perfect as the rest of you. If it was smaller, your face wouldn’t be as pretty. It wouldn’t fit you. And besides. You know what they say. big nose, big… Ya know.”

“Oh my god, Lou. No one says that!” Harry bursts out in laughter at that, blushing when he snorts, and louis thinks it’s the cutest thing in the world. 

“I just did, didn’t I?”

Harry is still laughing as he says, “Ugh, I hate you.”

There’s a beat of silence and Harry gets worried when he can see the frown get back on louis face. he doesn’t like the look in louis’ eyes, because he can’t decipher it. doesn’t know what it means. “Is that another lie or a truth?”

Harry thinks he should be more scared to answer that question. But he’s in a daze, basks in the attention and utter love he feels in that moment. He wants this moment to last forever and he can’t find it in himself to care about what he says right now. He wants to live in this little dreamworld of Louis possibly returning his feelings just a little longer. He wonders if maybe he cut a little too deep and is now in heaven? 

His eyes fixated on the beautiful blue of Louis eyes, he whispers, “that’s probably the biggest lie I’ve ever told you,” as if the words are meant for Louis and Louis only. And they kind of are.  
The smile is immediately back on louis face. “Well, in that case,” louis whispers just as quietly. “I hate you a whole lot too.”

It’s weird, honestly. How the words I hate you can feel so good, can make someone so happy. Maybe it’s because he knows that louis is lying, and that makes him the happiest person on earth in that moment. even with cuts on his arms – created less than an hour ago – he is the happiest person on earth. Because someone said they hate him. it’s laughable, really, but harry loves it. if anyone can turn such hurtful words into something positive, it’s them. 

“Can I tell you another lie?” Harry asks. 

“Yes.”

Harrys eyes flickers from his louis’ blue eyes to his mouth and back up again. and he thinks about telling him, telling him how beautiful he thinks they are, just like louis did to him. but he can’t. His breath is taken away from him, because louis lips looks so pink and inviting. They’re so close harry can feel louis’ breath on his own lips, and it sends shivers down his spine. Louis is so beautiful, and after everything that’s happened today, he’s not ready to give up whatever this thing between them is. Because best mates doesn’t do and say what louis has been saying and doing right now and it fills Harry’s body with excitement. He swallows and manages to choke out. “I don’t want to kiss you.” it comes out more needy than he intends. 

He can hear louis’ sharp intake of breath. Can hear it when he swallows hard and watches as his Adams apple bobs up and down with the movement. Harry’s eyes are again captured when louis licks his  
lips. And if he hadn’t been paying so close attention, he wouldn’t have noticed the way louis very hesitantly and very slowly moved an inch closer. 

Harry dares to place his hand on louis’ cheek and presses him closer. He’s somehow ended up straddling louis lap, the lad’s hands resting on his waist. Harry really likes that, he realizes. Louis hands are warm and kind of burns against his sides, but he loves it. they’re both breathing heavily into each other’s mouths, and their foreheads are pressed against each other’s with their eyes closed. Harry had made the move, but he waits for louis to finish it. he waits for louis to close the distance, because he can feel the hesitation in louis’ movements, and he doesn’t know what makes him hesitate so much,  
but he’s also afraid of scaring him away, so he waits. 

“Can – can I tell you a truth?” louis asks, and it sounds so vulnerable that Harry’s heart hurt a little. he only nods, afraid to break whatever atmosphere they’ve created. “I’m scared.”

That’s kinda what harry thought he would say. he could sense it. so he tells him, “I know,” and strokes his cheek in a way he hopes is comforting. “Do you wanna tell me why?”

“I’m not sure,” louis confesses. “I don’t want to ruin stuff. And what about management? They’ll flip. I don’t wanna lose you. And – and what if –“

“Shh. Don’t worry about it,” Harry comforts. “We’ll figure it all out, I promise.”

“Fuck Harry,” Louis breathes. “You’re so beautiful and amazing and I’ve wanted to kiss you for so long, but I was so scared to admit it. I’ve been fighting so hard to keep my feelings for you in check because I wasn’t sure you felt the same way, so I ignored you and I’m so, so sorry,” he rushes out. And he sounds as if he’s about to cry. 

“It’s okay,” harry whispers. And it is. Or…ignoring him might not have been the best thing to do but harry understands. He remembers when he first started questioning himself and it was so hard. So  
incredibly hard. 

“I really wanna kiss you,” louis confesses and Harry’s heart leaps.

“Then why don’t you?”

The next thing Harry knows, lips presses against his own and he moans at the feeling. Moans because of the anticipation, of the wait and relief of finally feeling louis’ lips soft against his own. Moans because he finally gets the thing he’s wanted for so long but thought he could never have. He’s so happy, so ecstatic and his heart is beating so fast and he’s out of breath quickly, so they have to pull away quicker than either of them wants. But it doesn’t take harry long to dive back in, tilting his head more for a better angle as he moves impossibly further up louis lap trying to get their bodies closer, closer, closer. He can’t possibly be close enough. 

One of his hands moves from louis’ cheeks and tangles in the older boy’s hair. When louis squeezes Harry’s waist, he accidentally tugs on louis’ hair, and a deep moan immediately rumbles from louis’ chest. And fuck, harry knows then and there that he’s done for because that’s the best fucking sound he’s ever heard. He tugs at louis’ hair one more time just to hear the sound again. louis responds by taking Harry’s bottom lip between his teeth, biting softly before slipping his tongue inside, immediatley exploring Harry’s mouth. The younger boy’s hips has a life of their own as they grind down, erection brushing against erection and he accidentally lets an embarrassingly loud moan escape his lips at the feeling. 

“Fuck darling,” louis whispers between kisses. Harry whines at the nickname, kissing louis harder. The older boy slips his hand under Harry’s shirt and his thumb accidentally brushes against one of Harry’s four nipples. And god, the sound harry makes is so sinful. To say that louis loves how harry responds to him would be a serious understatement. All thoughts of being scared are long gone. 

“Wait, wait,” Harry pants, gently pushing at Louis chest. The older boy immediately complies, pulling away in concern. 

“Did I do something wrong?” he asks, and harry smiles at him, giving him a chaste kiss. 

“No, no. Not at all,” he tries to assure him. he’s still panting a little, heart beating out of his chest. He just hates himself for getting so worked up over kissing, embarrassment washing over him. heat floods his cheeks and he leans his head in the crook of Louis neck. “I’m just… It’s too fast. I’m not ready for… You know.”

“Harry?” Louis coaxes, smiling warmly as he caresses Harry’s curls with one hand, the other rubbing his side in a manner he hopes is comforting. “Baby?” Harry bites his lip and moves his head so he can look at the older boy. He hums to show that he’s listening. Louis is not satisfied with the way Harry is looking down at his fiddling hands, so he hooks his finger under Harry’s chin, making him look up. “I wasn’t planning on doing anything you’re not ready for, Haz. We can wait, it’s perfectly fine.”

“Really?”

“Of course,” Louis laughs. He gives Harry another kiss, but the boy chases after his lips when he pulls away again. he likes the way Louis lips feels against his. He makes him feel so safe and it’s like their  
lips fit together perfectly. He doesn’t ever wanna stop.

They kiss for a little while. Its slower this time, and it makes Harry feel all gooey and warm inside. Louis just wants to make Harry feel okay and safe, he wants to pour all of his love on him and he tries to make sure the message gets through in every little kiss he gives him. Harry loves the way all his mind can think about right now is louis. He forgets. Forgets everything. the cuts, the urge, the sadness, the self-hatred. It all burns away as louis tongue explores the inside of his mouth. 

They’re both so caught up in each other that they startle and pull away from each other when they hear a door slam. Harry falls off louis in his shock, ending up halfway off the bed, only his legs still on the mattress, tangled in louis own. And one of louis hands are grabbing onto Harry’s arm from when he tried to stop the boy from falling. They both look like deer caught in headlights, panting, cheeks flushed, lips swollen and their hair a mess. 

Their eyes are trained on each other and it takes a second for both of them to start laughing. It wasn’t that they were afraid to be caught or that the others couldn’t know. they had just been so caught up in their own world. 

“C’mon. up from the floor.” louis reaches down to offer harry a hand and pulls the poor lad back up on the bed, still laughing. “You hurt?”

“Think I scraped my elbow,” he admits, pulling up his sleeve to check it. sure enough, there’s a little red mark, but nothing serious. Louis can’t help but kiss it anyway. “Wow, I think I’m healed. Thanks,” Harry deadpans, but can’t keep the smile off his face, his dimples showing in no time. Louis can’t resist reaching up and pocking his finger in one of them, causing harry to swat his hand away with a laugh. 

Louis smile falters a little when his eyes land on the bandage on Harry’s arm. Harry immediately catches it and sighs. But he stays quiet when louis carefully grabs his arm and lets his thumb caress the fabric, as if he can feel the Wounds under his findertips. “I’m sorry I didn’t notice sooner.”

“It’s okay,” Harry says. “I was good at hiding it. As sad as it sounds, I already had a lot of practice.”

Louis eyes snap up to his in alarm. “What do you mean?”

Harry bites his lip and fiddles with his fingers. “I started doing it when I was around fourteen,” he confesses, and louis tightens his hold on him. “I promised myself I would stop if I won x factor. We didn't, but we got a contract, so...” he trails off. “That’s why I wore so many bracelets at the start.”

Louis sighs and drags harry closer so he can lean his head in the crook of the younger boy’s neck. “I’m so sorry, Haz.”

“Not your fault,” he whispers and strokes louis’ hair. A shiver goes down his spine when louis places a kiss on his collarbone. 

“Guys?” they can hear Liam yells. “where are you?”

Louis clears his throat before responding. “Bedroom. We’ll be out in a second!”

He knows whatever they’re doing in here could sound a little suspicious when he says that, but he’s not done with this conversation yet. Harry is finally opening up to him and he’s not gonna let this  
opportunity slip through his fingers. 

“Can we… not tell the other’s yet?” Harry whispers. “I – I can’t handle that right now.”

“Which part?”

“Both.” He sheepishly answers. “It’s – it’s not that I don’t want them to know about… you know,” Harry awkwardly points between them, still not quite sure what they were and what this means for them. 

“Us?” Louis cocks an amused eyebrow, and he has that knowing smile on his face. It makes Harry blush deeply. 

“Yeah… us.” The older boy is looking at him with so much adoration in his eyes that Harry can’t help but smile. but his smile falters a little at his next words. “And about the – the cutting,” he winces as he says it. he doesn’t like saying the word. Its uncomfortable and seems way too serious. It just sounds so bad and he doesn’t like it. “I just… I’m not ready yet. Can we wait?”

“Yeah, yeah of course, love.” Louis removes his head from Harry’s neck to look at him, catching the faint blush on the younger boy’s cheek. He makes a mental note to call him nicknames more often. He kisses the warm skin, whispering, “anything you want. But whenever you’re ready, I think you should tell them.”

“I know,” Harry sighs. 

“And about us... Let’s give it a little time, okay? maybe we should figure it out first before we go… Running to the boys with it.” Louis kisses Harry’s forehead. “And by saying that I don’t mean I don’t want anything to happen between us – quite the opposite, actually. I just want to talk about it first and keep this for a little. keep you all to myself.”

“I’d like that,” Harry giggles. “Let’s um… Let’s go out before they get suspicious out there.” 

“Okay.” they both stand up, but just as harry goes for the door, louis grabs his arm and pulls him back into him. 

“Louis, what –“

Harry gets cut off by louis’ lips. He loves the way louis cradles his face in his hands, even though it’s just a chaste kiss. As soon as louis pulls away, harry chases after him, their lips colliding once again. harry grabs the fabric of louis hoodie in his hands, curling the fabric in his fists, as if he was scared louis might disappear. He doesn’t want louis to disappear. 

He doesn’t want to admit it, but he’s scared that as soon as they walk out that door, Louis will ignore him again and it will be like this never happened.

When they pull away again, they lean their foreheads together, just breathing the same air for a second. Louis is the first to open his eyelids, letting his eyes study Harry’s face. There are worry lines in  
Harry’s forehead and louis kisses them, trying to will them away. It works, because harry sighs, shoulders untensing. 

“I’m not leaving, Harry,” he promises, as if he could read Harry’s thoughts. With how well he knows him, Harry wouldn’t be surprised if he could. “I’m right here.” Harry nods and quickly wipes a tear as it escapes his eye. Louis kisses his boy a few more times, chaste but loving as his hands are firm on his face. “Ready to go out or do you wanna stay in here?”

“I, um… I dunno,” Harry shrugs. 

“How about this… We see what the boys are doing, and if you start to feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed we just lock ourselves in my room and watch movies, sounds good?”

Harry smiles a little and nods again, “Yeah, sounds good.”

***

They’re all sitting on the couch a few days later. Harry’s sitting between Louis’ legs, the older boy’s arm wrapped around his middle. He pretends not to notice the curious glances they get from the other boys by staring out the window of the tour bus. He knows the two of them has been a little closer than normal in the past few days, ever since the incident. But is it really that noticeable?

He watches, observes, as the landscape flies by faster than his eyes can process the small details, but it’s breathtaking outside. the sun is going down, leaving behind a beautiful hue of pinks and oranges and blues that blends together. There’s a conversation going on, Harry knows there is. But he can’t really find the energy to listen, let alone join in. They’ve been sitting here for half an hour and he already feels drained. Even though they’ve been doing nothing it feels like it’s been a long day, and his thoughts are really bugging him right now. He doesn’t know why. doesn’t know why he suddenly gets an urge to destroy his skin. He’s not feeling sad right now. The urge just suddenly hit him, and he hates it. He guesses it’s just that easy to become addicted again. 

They’re all chatting all around him, and he doesn’t say anything. It doesn’t seem like any of them notices and Harry feels like he might as well not be there. He doesn’t really matter, does he? They all have each other, if he was gone, none of them would even feel it. especially since he had been so distant lately – he knows he has – he’s been spending a lot of time in his room, locked away, but it doesn’t seem like the boys notice that much. Because he’s not needed there. Some part of him knows it’s silly, but the other part is winning right now. And suddenly it’s like he can’t breathe properly and all he can think about is that stupid blade. 

He feels louis grab his hands and pull them away from each other, snapping him out of his daze. He blinks and realizes everyone is looking at him, louis especially. His eyes are sad and there are worried lines on his forehead. When Harry looks down, he sees exactly what they’re looking at. 

There’s a long, red scratch on his hand that's close to bleeding. His breathing picks up because they’re all looking at him and he’s an idiot for not noticing he was scratching and how long was he gone for? Louis is saying something, he can hear his voice, but he can’t make out the words. 

He stands up from the couch in a haste, saying he has to use the bathroom. He runs, ignoring louis calls behind himHe locks the bathroom door behind him, and his heart is beating too fast. His mind is set on one thing, and one thing only. He would deal with the consequences later. 

His hand rummages through drawers and cabinets, searching for literally anything and before he knows it, he’s destroyed one of the boy’s razors and there’s blood running down his wrist and fuck Harry hates himself even more now. How obvious could he be? Fuck he ruined it all. He’s such a failure. He can’t help the few tears that escape because god, he’s so stupid, why is he so stupid? How is he gonna get out of this one? They all saw him scratching. they all looked so worried. And then to make it better, he runs to the bathroom to cut right after. He doesn’t know how to lie himself out of this one, so what is he gonna do?

He’s so mad at himself because he promised both Louis and himself that he would try to stop, but the second something goes wrong he falls back into the bad habit. He’s scared it’s gonna be like this for the rest of his life, because the last time he promised himself to stop, it only worked for a little while. The same with now. He’ll probably never get rid of this. He will always be cursed with the urge and thought of destroying himself.

He can hear louis talking to the boys, but it’s nothing but muffled voices he can’t make out. He knows louis will come in here soon, so all he can really door is wait as he silently cries into his hand. there’s a gentle knock on the door, and dread fills every bone in Harry’s body. 

“Harry?” Louis speaks softly, almost as if he’s afraid anything else will break Harry. He probably is. “Love, please open the door.”

Harry complies and quickly, there’s a pair of arms holding him. he hears the lock of the door. louis probably didn’t want the others to come in and harry really appreciates that. after a long hug and a forehead kiss, louis helps harry clean himself up without a word. Harry has tears streaming down his cheeks the whole time and Louis face just holds so much pain it breaks him even more. 

“I’m so sorry,” Harry whimpers. “I don’t know what happened. I – I didn’t mean to and it – I can’t...”

“Hey, hey,” louis whispers, cradling Harrys face. he wipes his tears and strokes his cheeks. “It’s okay. shh, you’re okay.”

“But I – I did it again and –“

“you’ll have relapses. It happens.” Louis is so gentle with him it makes him want to cry more. Harry pulls him into a hug and clings to him as if he’s his last lifeline. “I’ve read about it. its normal baby. I know it’s hard.”

“You – you read about it?” Harry asks in disbelief. “For – for me?”

“Of course, Haz. I’d do anything for you.” Louis brows furrows as he places a gentle kiss on Harry’s lips. “How about you go lay down in my bunk and I’ll make us some cuppas, eh? Go and get comfortable. There’s an oversized hoodie on my bed if you wanna wear it.”

Harry’s face lights up a little bit and he nods before kissing louis’ cheek. He can never get enough of kissing louis. They walk out of the bathroom together. While louis walks in to talk to the boys and make some tea, Harry hurries past them. He’s scared to look up, afraid of seeing another worried frown. He can’t handle that right now. 

He quickly changes into Louis hoodie, surprised it even fits, but even more surprised when it’s a little big on him. Harry has never seen the it before, so he figures it’s new and he kind of suspects Louis of buying it way too big for himself just so Harry could wear it. the thought makes him blush. 

When louis gets back to his room, he stands in the door for a few seconds with two cuppas and a sheepish smile. harry is curled into a cocoon, and louis finds it absolutely adorable as he makes his way to him. The first thing he does it place the cups on the little shelf by the bed before getting into the bed with his - boyfriend? They still haven’t discussed it – and Harry even opens up his cocoon for him. louis doesn’t hesitate before cuddling into Harry. 

“Hi love.”

Harry can’t find energy to do anything but hum in reply. They’re lying face to face, bodies pressed flush together in the small space. “I fucked up,” the younger boy sighs after a while.

“No you didn’t,” louis tries to reassure him. “And I talked to the boys. Said you’ve had a little anxiety lately, but that I’ve got it under control and that they shouldn’t worry.” He pauses. “Is that okay?”

“Yeah that’s perfect. thanks.” Harry smiles sheepishly. “It’s not far from the truth.”

“What was up with that anyway?” louis asks hesitantly. “What happened baby?”

Harry shrugs. “Don’t know. Started overthinking.”

Louis hums and gently stokes Harry’s soft curls as an act of comfort. Harry practically purrs and leans into the touch. “It’ll be okay kitten.”

Harry smiles brightly, dimples and teeth showing. “Kitten?”

“Thought it was very suiting with how you’re acting like one at the moment.”

“Oi, shut up.” He gently swats at louis’ arm, but then leans in to hide his face in louis’ neck as his cheeks starts to heat up, but louis caught it and laughs at his boy’s antics. Louis pulls him closer and kisses the top of his head, something he’ll never get tired of doing. 

“Make me,” louis dares with a smirk on his face. harry stiffens and stays with his head in louis’ neck for a few seconds. Louis yelps when he feels Harry bite his collarbone. “What the fuck?”

Harry’s response comes in a string of cute giggles and Louis can’t help but laugh along. Harry gently kisses the spot on his collarbone before looking up at Louis. They look at each other for a little while. Harry kind of wants to kiss him, but he’s scared. Does Louis even want to? What if he regrets what happened the other day?

“Can I kiss you?” Louis suddenly asks. And Harry’s shoulders slump in relief. Okay, so, maybe he didn’t regret the other day. he wants to kiss him again, and he even asked. Something about that melts his heart. 

Harry doesn’t even respond, but immediately plants his lips on Louis’. The older boy immediatley leans into it, hands wrapping around Harry’s waist. Harry ends up on top of louis to get more comfortable, their kiss deepening as Harry bites louis’ lower lip to gain access to his mouth. Their tongues immediatley start exploring each other and god, its messy and their teeth clash and they smile so much that it sometimes goes wrong but they’re laughing, and Harry seems happy right now, so therefore louis is happy. 

In this moment everything is just perfect, and Harry realizes that, right here, right now… Time stands still. the worry and stress isn’t there. He breathes easily. 

***

It’s the next day Niall offers Harry to go out just the two of them. Harry knows it’s because Louis told the guys his anxiety has been high lately and Niall wants to get his mind off things, so just to ease their worry, he accepts the boy’s offer.

They have fun, and Harry feels much more relaxed than he has in a while. Niall is always good at cheering him up. Even just his laugh can make him smile – and Niall laughs a lot. Harry loves that he even laughs at his jokes, and most of the time he genuinely seems to think they’re fun. 

He’s glad that it was just the two of them so not all the boys had gone out together. It’s not that he would have minded it, per se, but he just doesn’t think he can handle too much at the moment. its more chill and lowkey when they’re not all together, and there’s less chance of being spotted. 

He’s had a great day so far, him and Niall had walked around in the city and goofed around. They even ran into some fans and took a few pictures. Right now they were in a secluded corner of a café because Niall had gotten hungry – what a surprise. 

“What?” Harry asks after Niall has been staring at him with this calculating look for long enough. 

The knowing grin that suddenly spreads across Niall’s face makes him nervous. “What going on with you and louis lately?”

Harry’s eyes widen and he feels himself blush. The blond boy smiles wider at this and starts wiggling his eyebrows. Harry merely avoids his gaze, muttering a small, “what are you talking about?” as he slides down further in his seat. Right now, he really just wants the ground to swallow him whole. 

“You’ve been more… Affectionate lately than usual.”

“We’re all like that with each other, Niall,” Harry tries to escape the situation. 

“Not like you and Louis,” Niall says in a sing-song voice, taking a sip of his coke, not looking away from Harry who’s just blushing more and more for every second. The smug look on Niall’s face makes Harry moan in embarrassment, because he really can’t get out of this situation, can he? But then he figures maybe it’ll be good to talk about. Harry’s mind has been a mess since his and Louis first kiss. And they still haven’t really talked about it and what they are. They’re not boyfriends and they’re not just mates, so what are they? harry really hates not knowing it, but he can’t make himself bring the subject up to louis. 

“Okay fine,” Harry sigs, finally giving in. maybe it’ll be good to talk about, get the weight off his shoulders and get a second opinion so he doesn’t have to keep all this to himself. “We um… we might have kissed.” He lets it out in one big breath. He’s almost scared Niall didn’t hear it and that he would have to say it again, but then Niall’s mouth drops open. 

“What!” he screams, causing a few heads to turn.

Harry’s eyes widen even more, and he straightens in his seat. “Niall, keep it down will ya?”

The other boy quickly composes himself, “right, sorry.” He clears his throat, but the smile is quickly back on his face. He looks like a child on Christmas morning. “You really kissed? When?”  
“You remember that day where you all went out, but I stayed in ‘cause I was feeling sick?” Harry asks. 

Niall nods with a frown, as if he’s thinking really hard. “The day louis went home early cause he was worried about you.” His face slowly lights up in realization as he says it. his words are slow, so harry is startles when he squeals like a teenage girl. “Why haven’t you told us yet! This is a huge step. We’ve been waiting for this forever! We were starting to think you would never confess your undying love to each other.”

“Undying –“

“We’ve known that there was something between you two for so long, but whenever we talked to louis about it, he would just avoid the subject or wave us off.”  
“You talked to louis about –“

“But we’ve been waiting for so long, this is such great news! I can’t wait to tell the boys.”

“no, Niall. You can’t –“

“They’ll be so excited! So, tell me. are you together yet?” Niall pauses and cocks his head at Harry’s expression. His lips are pressed tightly together, his eyebrows raised high on his head. “Be careful, your eyebrows might get stuck in your hair.”

“Are you done now?” Harry asks, the amusement on his face betraying the annoyance he tries to out into his voice. Niall nods, pursing his lips as he folds his arms in front of him. “We’re not… me and louis haven’t actually talked about it yet. We haven’t made anything official.”

Niall gives him an incredulous look. “Why don’t you just talk to him then?” He asks, as if it’s the easiest thing in the world. But it’s really not, Harry thinks. 

“I just… what if he doesn’t want to be my boyfriend?” Harry knows he sounds pathetic. But he can’t help it. He knows how much the older boy has tried to reassure him, to make him feel better about everything, but why would louis want him? why would he want to have to have someone he has to reassure at least once a day? why would louis want someone so damaged? He deserves so much better.  
“That’s just silly and you know it.” harry glances at Niall skeptically. The blond boy sighs and reaches for Harry’s hand across the table. “Listen to me harry, okay? louis is fucking head over heels for you, and you kissed, H. you kissed. You and I both know Louis wouldn’t have kissed you if it didn’t mean anything.” Harry kind of hates how right he is. “If you want to make it official with him you just have to talk with him. he won’t say no.”

“Thanks, Niall,” Harry sighs. Niall smiles and brings Harry’s hand up to teasingly kiss the boy’s knuckles. Harry chuckles and pulls his hand away just when their food arrives. They thank the waitress and immediatley dig into their food. And, when they get home, Harry decides, he will talk to louis. 

It doesn’t quite go as planned though. As soon as the boys step into the bus, they see Zayn on the couch, knees pulled to his chest as he stares into nothing with a worried frown. “Zayn? What’s going on?” He carefully asks when he suddenly hears a very familiar sob from down the hall. “Is that Lou?”

Zayn nods, a distant look in his eyes. “He’s been cryin’ for half an hour. Won’t tell us what’s wrong, but Li’s with him now. He just keeps saying that it’s his fault and he should’ve noticed sooner. Makes no sense.”

“Fuck,” Harry swears as he runs his hand through his curls in frustration. “Yes it does.” And then he’s running down the hall, discarding the confused glances he receives from the two other boys in the room. Harry bursts through the door to Louis room, not even bothering to knock. Louis is quick to dry his tears and plaster on a smile as soon as he sees who is standing in the doorway, and Harry kind of hates that he thinks he has to hide from him. 

“Harry,” he breathes. “Hi, love.”

“Li,” Harry gets eye contact with the boy, suggestively nodding his head towards the door. Liam stands up but seems reluctant to leave. “I got it,” he reassures. Liam nods and squeezes Harry’s shoulder on the way out. When the door closes, harry carefully sits down in front of louis who is sitting at the edge of his bed. louis’ eyes are red and puffy, and his cheeks are still wet with tears.  
“Hi Lou,” Harry places a comforting hand on his knee, pressing a small kiss there as he uses his thump to rub soothing circles. 

“Hi,” Louis says, but his voice cracks and another tear falls from his eye that harry is quick to wipe away with his free hand. 

“What’s going on?” Harry whispers, pressing more kisses to the older boy’s knee. 

Louis shakes his head, closing his eyes. “Nothing. I’m – I’m fine.” Harrys heart plummets then, because that’s exactly what he says when he’s anything but fine.  
He bites his lip. “Clearly not if you’re crying love.” Harry sighs and meets louis’ blue eyes. he grabs both of the boy’s hands, kissing the knuckles. He just hopes that his lips communicate enough love and comfort for louis to open up to him. and harry thinks it may have worked because Louis suddenly breaks down crying, loud sobs erupting from his throat. “Oh, Lou,” Harry whispers as he sits up on the bed, pulling the boy to his chest. “What’s wrong, hm?” He asks as he runs his hand through his har, because that’s what louis did to him when he was upset. “What’s got you so upset?”  
“Can’t – can’t tell you,” louis sniffles, nuzzling closer to Harry.

“Why not?”

“You’ll feel guilty,” he whispers, and Harry stiffens a bit. He wants to lie and say he won’t, but he probably will, and he knows it. 

“So it’s about me?” He carefully asks, words slow and quiet. He tightens his arms on louis as he nods. Harry sighs, already feeling tears spring to his eyes.

“I – I just… I don’t know. I feel like – like it’s all my fault,” he sobs, curling closer to harry. “I should’ve – I should’ve done something sooner. I should’ve said something as soon as I saw those stupid bracelets. I should’ve known instead of being a stubborn idiot and trying to ignore you just because I couldn’t accept I had feelings for my best mate like a fucking coward because it’s all my fault. If – if I’d told you sooner or just not ignored you maybe – maybe you would’ve come to me instead and –“

“No, love, stop. Stop,” Harry shushes him, feeling his throat get tighter. “Please stop Lou. None of this is your fault, okay? it’s not your fault I promise.” He starts pressing small kisses everywhere he can reach in the position they are in, and louis sighs, leaning into it, making Harry smile a little through his tears. “this is no one’s fault but mine. And you telling me about your feelings wouldn’t have changed anything. It wouldn’t have done anything but postpone this. I’ve felt like since way before I met you. I’ve just pressed it down for too long and I was driven over the edge. it’s not your fault, love. You hear me?”

“But –“

“no buts,” Harry sternly interrupts him. “You couldn’t have done anything. And me doing it again yesterday had nothing to do with you. It’s just my fucked up brain messin’ with me, yeah?” He laughs humorlessly as he said it. because it’s true. He knows it’s just his mind playing tricks in him, because it does it all the time. “It’s just… hard to stop when you first begin.”

“But you still hurt yourself, Harry.” Louis voice cracks as he speaks, and he looks so broken in that moment that Harry just feels even worse. he clenches his eyes shut and bows his head just as a tear rolls down his cheek. “I just – I feel like I should’ve been there.” 

Harry breathes shakily as he cups louis’ cheeks, forcing louis’ eyes to meet his own. His thumbs caress the soft skin as he leans down to kiss louis’ forehead twice. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t – I didn’t realize how much this would affect you, and I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t want you to feel guilty.”

Harry looks deep into louis’ eyes again as he says, “I don’t want you to feel guilty either.” He sighs, closes his eyes and just breathes for a moment as he leans his forehead against the other boy’s. He feels louis gentle fingers run up and down his arms before he pulls Harry to his chest, causing the younger boy to lay his head in the safety of louis neck. “Let’s just –“ he presses a kiss to the skin he can reach without moving his head from Louis neck. “ – let’s just lay down for a bit?”

Louis kisses his head. “Yeah… Yeah, sounds good,” he says and scoots farther up the bed to get comfortable. He opens his arms for Harry, making grabby hands. it reminds Harry so much of a needy little kid that Harry actually giggles and shakes his head at him with probably the biggest smile he’s had in weeks. “Come on,” he whines. “I Wanna be big spoon. Wanna hold you.”

Harry immediately complies, practically jumping into louis’ arms. “I like it better this way anyway,” he says and immediately feels safe as louis drags a blanket over them and wraps his arms around Harry’s waist. Harry sighs contently. He feels warm and safe and relaxed as louis tightens his arms around him and presses small kisses to the back on his neck.

Silence falls upon the two of them as louis slowly rubs his thumb against Harry’s stomach. The younger boy is lost in his own head. he feels so guilty. He knows louis told him not to, but he does. Because if he had just controlled this and not fallen in the trap again, then none of this would’ve happened. Louis would’ve been free of him and his stupid problems. He also feels bad because he lays it all on louis. He feels like he’s just dumped all his problems on him and now louis has to take care of him when he shouldn’t have to. And he’s doing it all alone and it’s breaking him. he was crying, for fucks sake. He way crying in Liam’s arms, but he couldn’t even tell him what was wrong, all because Harry hadn’t told them his stupid secret. 

“What are you thinking about baby?” Louis voice interrupt his thoughts. The nickname sends shivers down his spine, and by the way he feels Louis smirks against his neck, he knows it. 

“I – I think I wanna tell the boys.”

Louis props himself up on his elbow and turns Harry around on his back so he can look at him. Louis has a frown on his face as he brushes curls away from Harry’s eyes. “You sure haz?”

Harry shrugs, not quite meeting louis’ eyes. “I – I don’t know. but it’s not fair of me to lay all of this on you.” He starts fiddling with his hands, and louis immediatley notices and wraps his own around them. Harry’s hands are bigger than his, so it doesn’t quite fit this way, but neither of them cares because it’s them and it doesn’t matter anyway. Louis brings them to his lips and starts kissing the younger boy’s knuckles. 

“If you’re gonna tell them… don’t do it for me,” he mumbles against them. “Do it for you. I don’t want you to tell them if you’re not ready.”

Harry smiles slightly and finally meets louis’ eyes. “Thanks,” he says and before he can continue, there’s a pair of lips against his. All words in his vocabulary suddenly disappears and there’s only louis for a second as their lips moves sweetly together in chaste kisses. He suddenly remembers what he was gonna say and gently pushes at louis’ chest. The older boy looks concerned but relaxes when harry smiles as pecks his lips again. “But I think… I think I’m ready.”

“Okay,” Louis smiles down at him. “Do you need my help?”

Harry nods. “But I… Can we wait ‘till tomorrow?”

Louis actually chuckles at that. Because harry speaks as if he has no other choice, as if he wasn’t the one who could decide when he would do it. “Yeah. Anything you want love.”  
louis can’t help but think of how perfect this moment is. Before him is a picture he wishes to remember forever, and the first thing he can think of is grab his phone with a mischievous smile. harry giggles but doesn’t protest when louis takes a picture of him. 

Harry’s hair is tousled and creates a halo around his head. There’s a little light streaming in from the window that hits Harry just right, and he truly looks like an angel in that moment. and then Harry starts blushing because louis is just looking at him like he’s the most valuable thing in the world and he basks in the attention and he realizes that only with louis does he truly feel beautiful.  
“Why did you take a picture?” He asks, still giggling uncontrollably. 

“Because you’re beautiful.” Louis leaves kisses all over Harry’s face. “My beautiful angel.”

“Yours?” Harry blushes and feels his heart flutter. 

Louis kisses ceases and he looks harry dead in the eye as he whispers, “mine,” and then kisses him on the lips, long and hard. He nibbles and sucks on his bottom lip until Harry parts them so he can slip his tongue between Harry’s lips. Louis tries to show Harry just how much he means to him through that kiss, “All mine,” he says between kisses and he doesn’t miss the way Harry’s fingers starts digging into his shoulders right after he says it, his hips bucking the slightest bit. He leaves a trail of butterfly kisses from his mouth and down his cheek. Testing the theory that starts forming in his brain, he moves his mouth tight next to Harry’s ear whispering, “my beautiful baby.” Harry accidentally whines at that and the older boy immediately pulls away with wide eyes. he doesn’t know what kind of reaction he’d expected, but it definitely wasn’t that. Harry flushes a deeper red than ever and uses his arms to cover his face. and louis thinks that it’s the cutest thing he has ever seen. And he can’t help but tease the boy further because he’s just too adorable not to. 

Harry jumps slightly when louis blows air against his ear before he whispers, “seems like someone’s got some kinks we need to explore.”

“Lou,” Harry groans and curls into a ball of embarrassment. All he wants to do right now is just crawl into a hole and hide for the rest of his life. louis laughs loudly and removes Harry’s hand from his face, pins them down on either side of his head, and straddles the boy’s hips so he can admire the beautiful flush of Harry’s cheeks.

The older boy smiles down at him fondly, “Yes?”

“I hate you,” harry pouts and louis can’t help but kiss him again. 

“Do you now?” Louis smirks. It takes everything in Harry not to squirm at that. the younger boy bites his lip so hard he can almost taste blood.

“You know, it’s really rude of you to be treating me like this when you haven’t even asked me to be your boyfriend yet.” It slips past Harry’s lips before he can even register it, his mouth working faster than his brain. His eyes widen a little, but he quickly tries to hide his own shock away and go along with it. “I thought you were a gentleman.”

Louis lets out a laugh full of happiness, but the laughter dies down quickly. “Harry?” he asks, suddenly in a serious tone.

“Yes?” 

Harry’s eyes are looking up at him, wide and hopeful. But Louis being Louis, can’t help but keep teasing the boy, only because there’s nothing more adorable than a flustered Harry. Louis has learnt recently that it takes literally nothing to make Harry flustered, and he’s definitely gonna take advantage of that. “You’re a cheeky little bastard aren’t ya?”  
“I could be your cheeky little bastard.”

Louis blinks at the younger boy’s sudden boldness, and it shocks him so much that all ways of teasing the boy slips from his mind. “Harry?”

“Yes?”

“Do you wanna be my cheeky little bastard?” he smirks when Harry rolls his eyes at him. he leans closer and places a kiss on the tip of his nose. “Do you wanna be my boyfriend?”

Harry turns his head and blinks up at Louis for a few seconds before his smile widens impossibly further. He’s smiling so much it hurts, but he’s never loved pain more. “Louis Tomlinson,” he drawls. “You’re an idiot… But yeah. yeah, of course I wanna be your boyfriend.”

And after a few more kisses, they end up just looking at each other. and in some way, maybe it should be awkward, but he gets lost in Louis cerulean eyes that leaves him completely breathless. He’s never really had the chance to blatantly stare at them like he does right now, and they’re even more beautiful than ever as he studies them and catches a sliver of green near the pupil. “Take a picture. It’ll last longer.”

Harry smiles even brighter, his dimples popping out. Oh, how louis loves those dimples. “Oh, like you did?” Harry cheekily grabs for his phone and takes a picture of Louis who snorts and plants a loving kiss to his collarbone. 

“exactly,” louis whispers. He lays down and pulls Harry to him, so the younger boy practically lays on top of him, their arms wrapped securely around each other. harry yawns into louis’ chest and he can’t help but kiss Harry’s hair. “Go to sleep baby. It’s been a rough day.”

“G’night boyfriend,” Harry whispers and Louis can feel him smile against his neck. 

“Goodnight boyfriend.”

And as Harry lays there, safe and falling asleep in his boyfriend’s arms, he can’t help but think that this is so much better than cutting. He doesn’t think the urge will ever go away completely. He knows that he will sometimes be about to fall in the trap again, he knows it’ll be hard, but at least he isn’t alone anymore. At least he found out he can have some form of peace in louis’ arms.  
That kind of peace feels much better than the blade against his skin.

And if the boy’s peek into the room later that night to see how the boys were doing to see the two of them cuddled up together and sending each other knowing smiles, no one has to know.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry tells the boys

“So… What did you want to talk about?” Liam asks. They’re on the tour bus, heading… Somewhere. Harry doesn’t even know, doesn’t bother asking or keeping up with where they are. He just lets himself get pulled along. 

He doesn’t think he’s ever been this nervous and scared in his entire life.

And he’s done a lot of things that’s made him very, very nervous. Auditioning for x factor and going on stage for millions of people for the first time are two very good examples. 

But nothing is more nerve-wracking than sitting in front of three of his best friends, about to tell them one of the biggest secrets he’s ever had. Something that’s such a big part of him, that could destroy everything. Because what if the boys leave him because of this? What if he gets those awful, pitying looks? Or even worse, what if they look at him with disgust. What if they throw him out of the band for this? Deep down he knows the last one is ridiculous, but he can’t control what his mind tells him.

“Um, well,” he hesitates, playing with his bracelets. “There’s two things. A good thing and a – a bad one,” he says nervously. Him and Louis had a talk beforehand, about what he should say, what Louis should do. They’d both agreed that they would tell them about their relationship, too. They would’ve both liked to keep it to themselves a little longer, figure out exactly what it is that’s going on between them before sharing it. But it feels easier to just lay it all out on the table at once. They’re both tired of secrets. “So, which one do you wanna hear first?”

Niall jumps a little where he sits on the couch. “The good thing because I think I know what it is.”

Harry laughs a little at Niall’s excitement. It eases his nerves a little bit. Allows him to not have his shoulders so tense. He’s kind of stalling, but the lighter topic puts him a little at ease. He still feels like he has to throw up, but it’s not as bad. 

Zayn and Liam shoots Niall a confused look, but it’s ignored. Harry takes a deep breath and meets Louis’ eyes. “Me or you?”

“Both?” Louis whispers back to him. Harry nods and they turn back to the boys. It seems like the words won’t leave his head and come out of his mouth. He ends up just staring as his throat closes up. Until louis grabs his hand. He can breathe a little easier when he has louis to anchor him. And it seems that they didn’t even need words, because when louis intertwines their fingers, he gives the guys a meaningful look. His bashful smile and Harry’s red cheeks are apparently enough. 

“No way,” Zayn gasps. They all seem excited and like they can’t really believe their eyes. 

“Yes way!” Niall squeals. 

“So… You’re together then?” Liam asks, doublechecking. Because even though the answer is obvious, he still wants to be 100 percent sure. They nod. “Fucking finally.”

Harry groans and hides his reddening face in Louis shoulder. The older lad laughs, pecking the top of Harry’s head.

“Wait – how come Niall knew and we didn’t!” Zayn sounds offended, but the smile on his face lets them know he isn’t mad. 

Harry shrugs sheepishly. “I don’t know, it just kinda came up in conversation. Sorry.”

“How did that happen?” Zayn leans forward on the couch. 

“We had a little… Heart to heart a little while ago,” Louis tells them, his voice quieting. He tightens his hand around Harry’s. “And that’s also sort of… Where the bad thing comes in.”

Harry’s breath gets stuck in his throat, and the mood in the room changes the second Louis smile falls. Harry’s heart starts beating fast again, the anxiety returning full force. He’d been allowed to forget it for a few minutes with the excitement. 

Niall hesitates. “Is this… Is this about Simon? Did he do something?”

“No, no,” Harry says immediately, shaking his head. “It’s not Simon, it’s me – It’s about me.” 

“Okay, I’m getting really worried now,” Liam speaks up, slowly, when Harry has stretched the silence too long. “What’s wrong?”

Harry swallows, his hands shaking. Louis brings them up to his lips, kissing each knuckle reassuringly. “You can do it love.”

Harry nods once, trying his best to take a deep breath. They should’ve practiced it beforehand. He should’ve come up with a speech before jumping headfirst into this. He kind of regrets not doing that, now. “Um… Basically. When I was younger, I used to… Do this thing. Like, whenever I was sad or… Did certain things, I guess –“ like fail a test, fail at life, when he didn’t feel good enough, but that’s too much. He can’t say any of that. And he’s beating around the bush, he knows. But he doesn’t know how to properly get his words across, and this is the most nerve-wracking thing he’s ever done. He lives a life full of nerve-wracking things, but nothing compares to this. He’s laying himself out. He’s letting himself be vulnerable in a way he never has. He generally likes to walk around naked, has no problem with parading around without any clothes. But this is different. This is a nakedness he’s never felt, one he doesn’t like. 

“And I never – I never really felt like I had anyone I could talk to about stuff. So I did this really stupid thing instead –“ his voice cracks on the last work, and he pauses to keep the sobs in. if he starts to cry, he won’t be able to stop. Louis looks extremely pained beside him. 

“Oh god,” Zayn whispers, but it sounds so loud in the quietness of the room. It’s almost like none of them are breathing. That wouldn’t come as a surprise. “Please don’t tell me you’re about to say what I think you’re gonna say.”

And Zayn, always so attentive and smart. Of course, he’s caught on. His eyes are pleading and harry can’t handle looking at them. Can’t handle looking at any of the boys. They either look like they’re excessively worried or in extreme pain. So, he looks at the floor. 

“I used to self-harm.”

The statement hangs heavy in the ear. Zayn drops his head into his hands with another whispered, “oh, god,” and Niall looks like he’s trying not to cry. Niall is always so happy. Niall should never look sad. Harry made him sad, and he hates himself for it. He starts regretting this. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea anyway, he probably could have done it himself. He’s done it before and this time around he had Louis. But he knows that’s just the guilt talking. And if he kept it between him and louis, Louis would surely break. He can’t handle it on his own either. He needs to be able to talk to somebody if having a boyfriend with these problems gets too much for him. He needs an outlet, and that’s what Harry’s giving him. And he’s also doing this for himself. It’ll be better once it’s over. It’s just his anxiety talking. 

“And you…” Liam hesitates, takes a breath. “You still do it, or?”

He bites his lip. “I stopped when we got signed.” A collective breath is let out. Harry feel a little guilty for having to crush their short relief. “But… I thought – I thought I could do it on my own, you know? And I was doing fine, for a while. Or, I thought about doing it a lot, but it never got to the point of actually doing it... Until a few weeks ago.”

“And I didn’t know,” Zayn whispers. It breaks Harry’s heart, seeing his eyes all red rimmed because of him. “How did I not know? I –“

“You couldn’t have,” Louis finally speaks up. “It was an accident that I found out. I walked in on him. And it fucking sucks. It sucks so bad that this could’ve been going on for longer because we were all too shit to notice but there’s nothing to do about it now.”

“Lou,” Harry sighs. He looks at all of them. “I don’t want you to feel guilty.”

“Of course, we feel fucking guilty H,” Niall says. “We’re shit friends.”

“No, you’re not. we’re all going through shit, we’re all stressed,” he tries to convince them. “I probably wouldn’t have noticed either. And it wasn’t like I was flaunting it around. I was hiding it.”

“No matter what it’s no use dwelling on it now,” Louis sniffs. Wiping a tear from his cheek. “It’s done. And we all know now. Going back and forth about this is not gonna help anything.”

They all nod. 

“I kinda get it, you know,” Liam speaks up for the first time in a little while. He’s been looking lost in thought. “I was bullied a lot. So, I thought about doing it sometimes. Not that I ever, like, did it. But I was close, so I get it. Kinda.”

Harry smiles at him. 

“Can we have a group hug now?” Niall practically whines, and the tears flow down his face. In a second, they’re all in a heap on the floor, cuddling into each other and crying on each other’s shoulders. It feels warm and safe. And harry doesn’t feel judged like he thought he would. The boys didn’t leave. In fact, he thinks it might have brought them closer. Maybe it wasn’t so bad telling them anyway. 

They end up watching movies for the whole day, cuddling close together on the couch. They have someone else bring them food and snacks, so they won’t have to get up. And they end up sleeping there as well, using the blankets they have to keep them warm. 

During the next few weeks, Harry gets a lot of extra cuddles. The boys make sure that they ask him how he feels and how he’s doing more frequently. He even had to tell them to lay off a bit at some point when it became too much. He would still retreat to his room once in a while, and the boys usually knows when to leave him alone and when to not. Aand if they’re in doubt, they ask Louis. 

Sometimes now, instead of wallowing in his own sadness, he comes out of his room and just sits with the others. The boys luckily quickly caught on to the fact that he sometimes wants to just sit and listen to them, but not utter a word himself. That’s the days where he feels too scared to be alone, but too empty and exhausted to talk. Everything is so much better. There are now more good days than bad, and that’s really all that counts. And on the bad days he now has all the boys instead of just Louis, so he feels a little less like a burden because he’s not only relying on one person. 

Yeah, all is well.


End file.
